My hardest experience...shit's getting real over here

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

7. What is your dream job, and why?

8. What are 5 passions you have?

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

28. What is your love language?

29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?

30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Today...6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

 Warning - Shits about to get real heavy around here...don't say I didn't warn you

Well, in my short 24 years I think I've had quite a few hard choices and decisions to make. Leaving a emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive boyfriend and moving back to Iowa away from my mom being the two that come to mind right away. But as far as really truly life changing experiences...the one that was the hardest for me was when my good friend, Brian passed away in 2009 at the age of 20. He took his own life.

This is us at high school graduation

Brian and I had history. We first became friends in middle school, probably 7th grade. We were both on AAU basketball teams in our small town and played at a lot of the same tournaments (and were both really freakin' good). 

The good old days

My 12 year old self thought Brian (and Ian and Scott) were the cutest things on the planet. But there was always something special about Brian. He was the all american preppy guy who was good at everything...and looked good doing it.

I mean look at him...he's beautiful

All through high school Brian and I were good friends. We had a great friendship and kissed a time or two, but always kind of joked about being more than friends. It just never happened. I had lots of different feelings for him that were never really explored, all I knew for sure was that I had so much love for him and that I would be there for him always. Brian was the type of person that put his whole heart into everything he did. He was overly emotional a lot of times and very dramatic. Now that things happened the way they happened, I realize he had some mental issues that he refused to get help with. I had always been one of the people he would go to for advice or just to talk. 

At our senior class party

This picture makes me laugh...such good times!

He had SUCH a good laugh...I can still hear it :)

Brian talked about killing himself multiple times. Most people kind of brushed it off and chalked it up to him being over dramatic. My graduating class had already lost two people to suicide...I wasn't taking it lightly. First it was Andrew who I went through grade school with but we weren't super good friends...still something super hard for a high school freshman to go through. Then, it was Hannah. We had our periods of being really close and hanging out everyday to times we went months without hanging out. 

One night (which happens to be 2 years to the day before Brian took his life,) late...I was texting Brian and I just knew something was wrong. He hadn't responded to my last text so I drove to his house. I figured he was probably in the garage smoking cigarettes so I walk in and he's about to step on a step ladder with a noose above his head. I ran and kicked the ladder away from him, grabbed him by the face, and screamed at him. We cried and hugged and talked for hours. That itself was such a hard experience for me...to walk in on something like that...knowing that there's only so much I can do. I can't stay with him 24/7. I can't make him to to therapy. If he really wants to do it, I can't stop it. No one could.

Conversation started June 21, 2007

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  3:13am

  brian you really scared me tonight...im so glad i got there when i did. i seriously dont know what i would do if that would have happened...believe it or not you are one of my best friends and i seriously love you to death. we've been through a lot of shit and im ALWAYS here for you, no matter what. you know this, and it will never change. call me in 7 years if you need me, i'll be there.
  love always megan
  (Facebook message I sent him that night)

I remember it like it was yesterday...June 21st, Father's day, my friend Audra called me crying hysterically. She said "guess who fucking killed himself" and right then I knew. My mom had run to the store or something and when she got home I was in the kitchen absolutely hysterical. She had no idea what was going on. I manage to spit out "Brian...he killed himself last night." We cried and cried. The rest of that time was kind of a blur. I know we spent a lot of time the next couple days at Brian's house with his family and sooo many of Brian's friends. I'm so glad we were all there for each other. 

Bracelets we had made for him

I was leaving for vacation either the day before or the day of the visitation which made for a hard decision on my part. I sooo badly wanted to stay for the services and be there for and with all our friends. But I decided that the most important thing was for me to have my closure. So Brian's parents let some of his closest friends go to the funeral home early to see him and say our last goodbyes. It was so hard. Seeing him. Knowing it's the last time I'd ever see him or touch him. Thinking of all the times we shared together, good and bad. Seeing my closest friends in so much pain. Thinking that there must have been something I could have done to stop it, but knowing I really couldn't. 

I don't really know how to end this. I just miss him.