Wednesday, April 9, 2014

confess sesh

 ....first of all, i am so overwhelmed with my new job i don't know how to feel about it. it's just to learn. it's only my second day but i just don't feel like i'm getting it as fast as i'd like. my confidence is dwindling...

....i hate wearing thongs. i do. does this mean i'm getting old? 

....traffic pisses me off. maybe tomorrow i'll have my sister count how many swear words i use on our commute to work.

....i still haven't unpacked everything from my move

....this isn't really a confession, but...i'm happy with my decision to move back to north carolina. as i drove away from everything i've known for 2 years sobbing, i looked up and said "please just let me be doing the right thing" and now i know i have. 

....i'm going to dinner at a mexican restaurant for my cousin's birthday tomorrow and i'm planning on having a few margaritas...and i'm not sure if the amount of excitement i feel about this is normal

....i haven't really worked out since last thursday. this makes me really unhappy but i just really honestly haven't had time. i hate when people say that but i get it now. i'm looking forward to when things calm down with my job and i can start a routine and such.


Thursday, March 27, 2014


So my about to drastically change. I'm moving to Raleigh, North Carolina in a week. Holy shit. A week...I can't believe it's so close. I only have 4 days of work left and am leaving in 8 days. I've been waiting so long to get back to NC and now that it's happening I have so many mixed emotions.

First of all...I'm so excited! I've managed to snag a great job as a new construction listing coordinator at a great real estate company (mostly thanks to my sister!) I start either the day after or two days after I get time to relax! I'm super excited for this opportunity and to get started working but I'm also really's going to be stressful and I have a lot to learn. But I'm going in confident that I'm more than capable!

For my job...I pretty much need to buy a whole new wardrobe. I'm really freaking excited about it. I've worn yoga pants and t-shirts to work for the past two years which has been nice (and comfy!) but I'm excited to have nice clothes and dress up and look nice for work everyday. And I'm excited I'll finally be able to afford to go shopping. I haven't been able to afford to shop for myself in years. I've been pinning like crazy. Here's some of my favs. Here's my Pinterest board if you want to see more!

I'm going to be living with my mom for awhile. I'm ok with it. I'm so happy and appreciative that she's letting me live with her rent free. I'm going to save as much money as I can while I don't have rent to pay!

The only thing I'm sad/not looking forward to is leaving Rayce. I've been with him almost everyday for 2 years and now we're just going to be apart. We haven't really talked about it. We've been going on like normal since I decided to move. Nothing's different. We haven't talked about what's going to happen when I leave. Are we just breaking up? Are we still going to talk everyday? Should we not talk for awhile? I don't know and I'm afraid to talk about it and he obviously is too. Our relationship has been changing for the past few months. At least I think it has. A lot of the time I feel like we're just roommates/friends. I also feel like neither one of us has made the effort to do something about it because we've known that I'm leaving anyways. And he doesn't want to move so...I don't know. It's complicated. I love him so much....I guess we just aren't meant to be together.

So many feelings and emotions lately. It's exhausting. I've not been sleeping very well a lot of nights. My brain doesn't shut off. I lay in bed and I can't stop thinking about all of this. About a new job, finding new friends, living with my mom again, not being with just does. not. stop.

I'm so ready to focus on building a career with this company and just "doing me" as they say. Whatever that means. All I know is that I'm going to focus on work and make time to continue working out. The rest will fall into place. At least that's what I'm counting on.

Phew...brain dump.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

don't know the last time i's some confessions!

...this is my first time linking up for humpday confessions

....i just got done with a facetime interview. i always get so worked up and nervous for interviews and then they never ask me any questions (which I'm totally fine with...less chance for me to say something dumb) i'm facetiming with the head honcho of the company on friday...crossing my fingers!

...i get the nervous poops. i pooped 3 times this morning before my interview. too much info? #sorrynotsorry's starting to get more real as it gets closer to the time I move...just over 2 weeks until i'm back in north carolina.

...we've been getting ready to move out of the duplex we've lived in for 2 years. i'm embarrassed by how disgusting it was. I need to be better at cleaning...

....i have one more episode of breaking bad to watch and I'm probably going to cry when it's over
....i know everyone is complaining about winter lasting FOREVER...but i'm also going to complain. at least it's been staying mostly about freezing here in iowa...can't wait for the north carolina weather!
....two of my best friends popped out babies in the last two weeks. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't jealous. (and also so so so happy for them of course!)
....i could literally live off of only carbs
for real though

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Sunday Social

Linking up with Neely for Sunday Social!
Top 3 favorite kinds of food:
Smoothies, pasty (meat and potatoes in a pie crust) and sweet potatoes
First 3 things you do in the morning:
Hit snooze, pee, get dressed/ready for the day
Last 3 things you do at night:
Usually watch an episode of Friends, play a trivia game for a few minutes with Rayce on my phone, kiss Rayce goodnight
3 TV shows you NEVER miss:
The Bachelor, Sons of Anarchy (can't wait for the next season!) and the Real World. Quality TV right there.
3 places you want to visit:
Pretty much anywhere tropical
3 people you can always count on:
Rayce, my mom, my sister

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Past relationships

So this post Samantha wrote has inspired me to write. I love it and you should probably go read it. I agree with everything she said.

My dating history is kind of embarrassing. I'm not going to change names mostly because I don't give a shit. And also, no one that reads this is going to know who I'm talking about anyways.

First there was Shea. My first everything. We date from the time I was 14 to 16. I feel like it was a pretty normal high school relationship. But like Samantha talked about, you shouldn't negatively change yourself for anyone. I definitely did with Shea. I can't even tell you how many fights I got in with my best friends because I would ditch them to hang out with Shea (and his loser friends.) My parents and all my friends told me that he was no good. Why don't we listen to the people that know us and want the best for us? I would have gone through so much less bullshit if I had. With Shea I smoked weed, snuck out, and put myself in some situations that could have turned badly. He broke my heart when we broke up but now I thank God for it!

Next was Nick. Ohhhh, Nick. I've never been treated so badly by a man boy my whole life. I stayed with him for a year and I have no idea why. He was just plain mean to me. Again, like with life revolved around him. I'd go to his house pretty much every day after school to just hang out with him or do stuff with his friends...never mine. I don't think he hung out with my friends once. I didn't even go to my prom because he told me he'd break up with me if I did. That is so embarrassing. I can't believe I stood for that. We fought all the time. He cheated on me with at least 3 different girls (one of them my best friend at the time). He threw all my CD's out the window of my car because he didn't like my music. He threw all my stuff I had at his house out onto the grass and called me a cunt because I stayed late one night babysitting. I finally broke up with him and I broke his heart. Apparently he "didn't know what he had until it was gone." Too bad so sad. For months and months after we broke up he was in a deep deep depression drinking very heavily. He would call me hammered drunk while he was driving and tell me he was going to kill himself because he couldn't live without me. There were times when I'd call his parents and have them check on him because when he was blacked out drunk he told me he had a gun. Even though he hurt me so much I couldn't just let him continue that life. I tried so hard to help him be ok. He finally moved on to other girls. He got married in May of 2012 (and made out with someone that wasn't his wife at his wedding reception) and that Christmas he asked me if he could come visit me in North Carolina. He obviously hadn't changed.

I was single for the first 3 years of college which was great for awhile. I had a lot of fun. I dated Chris on and off for a couple of months. It wasn't anything too serious, we lived 4 floors apart in our dorm. We hung out a lot but never really went on dates or anything. He switched colleges after my freshman year and I was very sad but it wasn't a monumental relationship.

Then Alex my senior year. I knew he was no good for me the whole time. I think I stayed with him for a year because I knew I was moving to NC when I graduated and just wanted to be with someone. He is a veteran and went through a lot of really awful things while he was on tour in Iraq. He would never admit it but I think he was going through PTSD. Bad. He drank a lot and wasn't always very nice when he was drunk. I hated going out all the time yet I went out with him and his friends (this was a pattern for me apparently) every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I pretty much went with because I thought he'd cheat on me if I wasn't around and to babysit him because he did a lot of dumb shit when he was drunk.

Rayce is so different from all these guys. He's never once been mean to me. He's responsible and doesn't like to go out and drink all the time. He takes me out and does nice things for me. He encourages me to go out with my girlfriends. He wants the same things in life as me. I am totally my full self around him. He get's me. He's the type of guy I should have been looking for the whole time. Maybe I just needed to date some guys that were bad for me to realize what I really needed.

This turned out to be a lot longer than I thought. Basically my past with guys has shown me what I will not stand for in a relationship. I won't stand for disrespect, immaturity, heavy drinking/any drugs, dishonesty, or cheating. I wasted a lot of time on bad apples...but don't most people? Or is it just me?

Thursday, December 26, 2013


Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!! I sure did. Other than I didn't get to spend it with Rayce. But I spent it with my mom and sister which is very important to me. 

I got on a plane Monday morning, which was also my 25th birthday, and was on my way to my happy place...North Carolina!! 

 Never too old for funfetti!!

My sister and her boyfriend (who was home from Navy OCS (officer candidate school) came over to my mom's house with my favorite pizza from Mellow Mushroom which they don't have in Iowa. It was glorious. Then we ate Strawberry Funfetti fav. 

Christmas Eve we got pedicures and I did a little last minute shopping at Target. We were invited to my sister's boyfriend's family's house that night so we went there for awhile and met his family and socialized for a bit. Then we came home and made a breakfast casserole for Christmas morning and I made those Ritz cracker things where you put a Rolo in the middle. They are so damn good.

Christmas morning my sister woke us up at 6:50 A.M. to open presents. Ugh. Santa did good. I got some really great stuff. 

My mama with her new birdhouse and necklace

We lounged around for awhile and then got ready to go to my Aunt and Uncle's house.We had great food, great family, and great fun (Scattergories!)

 I just think this is the cutest. My cousin Bryan and his daughter Lyli

Aunt and cousins

Today we went to lunch with my sister and her boyfriend and his family because he had to go back to Rhode Island for OCS. You could tell how sad they were and it was making me sad too...I don't want my sissy to be sad.

 I don't really have much else planned for my time here in NC. Just spending time with my family. I don't ever want to leave!

Sunday, November 24, 2013


Welcome to day 24 of The Thankful Project! If you're just joining us, you can find out more about the project here. Today's prompt is "a physical trait you have."
I don't know about you...but it's hard for me to come up with things I like about my appearance. Sure, I'm a pretty average looking female...I probably shouldn't complain as much as I do. But hey, it happens. So if I had to choose one thing about my physical appearance that I like I would choose my eyes.
My eyes are what I get the most comments on...since high school anyway when all people (guys) commented on were my huge boobs. Luckily the boob thing isn't that big of an issue anymore :)