Monday, April 6, 2015

Feeling all the feels lately

It's been a really long time since I've written...I wish I had some really exciting news or something but instead I'm here to just vent.

Basically...I've been missing Rayce a lot lately. If you haven't been to my blog before...Rayce is my ex that I left in Iowa when I moved here to NC. I was really unhappy in Iowa and he didn't want to come with me and because of that we kind of started being like roommates toward the end of my time in Iowa. We have a really long history but I'm not going to get into that.

A couple weeks ago I had this really vivid dream that I was terminally ill and dying soon and it was just me and him in a car talking about it. I was crying and trying to make sure he would be ok and telling him that I didn't want to go. I woke up in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out...that's never happened to me before. It was so real and so emotional. Since that dream I've thought about him everyday...throughout the days. Just really missing him and our relationship and how he made me feel. People have told me that I just miss having someone...not him in particular. I understand how that can happen but I definitely miss Rayce. I miss the stupid way we would talk to each other. How he would scratch my head every night while I fell asleep. Going on dates to Texas Roadhouse because we loved the buns so much. How he would buy me my favorite little things every now and then just because he knew I loved them. When he would make pancakes on Saturday mornings and have me be his "butter girl" and butter the pancakes. His hugs...he gave the best hugs....I would instantly feel better when he'd hug me. I can't really explain it so that anyone else would understand it. He's just my person.

Also, about the time I had the dream I found out that he's been seeing someone. He didn't tell me...she posts pictures of them on Facebook. The first time I saw the picture of the two of them with him as her #mancrushmonday I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. And that feeling happens every time I see a new picture of them. Defriending him isn't an option. Especially in real life. I would rather feel hurt than to not have him in my life at all. We still talk. I hope we never stop. We were friends long before we dated and I would be crushed to not have him in my life. He said that he made sure she knew about me...I wonder what he told her.
I follow @beautaplin on Instagram...he posts some really beautiful things. Words that make sense to me. Words that seem like they were written for exactly how I feel at that moment.
There's a million. Check him out.
It really does feel like a piece of me is missing. Whether it's that I'm not sure if we are really supposed to be together or that I just miss my best friend. I don't know how I really feel...I just know that my heart is sad without him.