Sunday, June 9, 2013

Feeling sad

Ever since I read this post by Hallie at Life: Oceanside...I've been a little sad thinking about how much I miss my mom and sister and North Carolina. It just doesn't get easier living over 1000 miles from the two closest people to you.
When I decided to move back to Iowa I had a vision of what it would be like. I thought I would see my best friends fairly often, even though they live an hour and a half away. That doesn't happen...we hardly ever see each other. I thought I would find a job that I love (even like.) That still hasn't happened. I thought I wanted to live here...but I don't.
It brings me to tears when I think about all the events I'm missing and the memories they are making that don't involve me. My sister is going to get engaged...I won't be there. She'll have to tell me over the phone and send me pictures of the ring. I may not be able to go to her bridal showers and bachelorette party because I can't afford to fly that often. I won't be there to help plan the wedding. I'll get to see my nieces and/or nephews a couple times a year. The same goes for when I get engaged and plan my own wedding and have babies. I won't have the two most important women in my life there to help me or share in the excitement. It breaks my heart. (I know it breaks yours too, mom) I just never imagined it to be this way. I know it's my own fault. I'm kicking myself in the ass for it now.
I love Rayce so much and our relationship is amazing. I just wish so much that he would move with me. I could never just leave him because I don't want to live here. It's not that easy. Hallie made a good point...even with a wonderful man and wonderful relationship, those things don't make it any easier to be away from those who held my heart first.

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