The one where I'm afraid

Friday, September 6: A story about a time you were very afraid.

 

I knew right away what I was going to talk about for today. My relationship. I'm afraid of my relationship not working out. It's terrifying. And it pretty much consumes me every single day.

 

It's complicated. Because Rayce is amazing and we have a really great relationship. The best. But...I'm not happy where we live, in Iowa. I want more than anything to move back to North Carolina where I lived a couple years ago. Rayce doesn't. He wants to stay in Iowa. I just really can't see myself living in Iowa for the rest of my life. That thought makes me so sad. My mom and sister, the two people closest to me in the world live in NC and Rayce's family lives here in Iowa. So he obviously wants to stay here.

 

I've talked about this here and here so I won't go on and on about it again. If you want the whole story please click on the links.

 

It just seems like the longer I'm here the more I want to get back to NC. Rayce just really doesn't want to move. So I'm battling with the decision of staying here in Iowa with Rayce, hating everything except my relationship. Or moving to NC most likely without Rayce. It makes me physically sick to think about not being with him. I hate thinking about it, but I'm just so unhappy here. I don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what I do I won't ever be completely happy.

 

I wish someone could just tell me what the right thing to do is. It eats at me every single day. It's scary.